Daddy day care. A brief journal.

Daddy day care.  A brief journal.

Today I’m going to treat you to a male voice and in Rufus Rabbit’s opinion the best Facebook postings of the month, nay year but first I need to enlighten you with abit of background information.Mrs B is a beautiful Interior Designer and Mummy to twins. She has almost singlehandedly raised her children for the past seven years from the deepest, snowed in, rural depths of South Devon whilst Mr B has been off serving Queen and Country and generally being a regular commando type.These Facebook daily report updates are from Mr B, who for the first time since becoming a Dad underwent four whole days of solo parenting whilst his beloved wife savoured, enjoyed and wallowed in her FIRST child free holiday since giving birth. There is friendly banter between husband and wife that over the twins life span, crafts and baking may have taken too much of a front seat and this was Mr B’s chance to have a little “performance parenting” fun.

Enjoy x

Thurs 7.13pm

That’s Mrs B off to Spain until Tuesday. I have the kids, if not the con (helm).  Operation FERAL just crossed the line of departure…

Fri 10am

Day one of four. Daddy is SO the fun one… May have peaked early at the soft play area.

Fri 1pm

Hi Smunkle.  Just to let you know all’s fine here with the kids.  Only needed the one skin closure kit after ‘soft’ play. What a misnomer…Lunch was haribo and we’ve since been rocking out to Jimi Hendrix (as has the whole village given I turned it up to max).  This afternoon the kids will be receiving tuition in low level infantry tactics with catapults, and I’m confident I can achieve the ASBO by about 4 o’clock.  That’s Day 1 sorted.  Day 2, base jumping. So you can relax. X
Sat 10pm

Dear Schnukums: Day 2, situation report.

All well here, judging by the absence of Social Services anyway.  Too stormy for base jumping today, but not too stormy to play chicken with some macking(huge) surf at storm force Hartland Quay- see photo of the twins doing more Really Dangerous Stuff (RDS). Today they’ve have also taken in nursing homes (no particular reason) and they’ve sampled Auntie Lotti’s fresh figs, nasturtiums (I’m almost sure they’re edible. Almost.), and a strange looking fragrant spikey leafed plant that gave me flashbacks to Uni, but I can’t quite remember why.  Aaaaanyway, it seems to have knocked them for six, as they’re now snoring like ten men, despite tonight’s very late supper of chips and Chupachups (other lollipops are available).  Sleep well. x
Sun 12.30pm

Hello Treacle. Day 3, late submission tonight, soz.  Only just prised them away from four back to back episodes of ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ (hope you don’t mind), using living examples to explain to two 7 year olds the ‘mots du jour’, which today were ‘vacuous’ and ‘dysfunctional’. Also to show that there are some ****wits in life against whom violence is constructive (see General Sir Rupert Smith’s ‘The Utility of Force’ for further reading).  Making education fun- it’s my gift.  Otherwise spent the day at Bigbury.  Highlight was Archie’s 2 wave hold down in knee deep water (that’s his knee deep), and some nearby parents not seeing the funny side of my ‘man up mate’ response. Also Lily’s very loud proclaiming that the Kingsbridge chapter of the Hells’ Angels (who knew?), who had taken over the car park, were all REALLY REALLY GREY AND OLD DADDY… Yes, thank you Lily. Cue sharp exit to beach.

Oh and that really annoying decorative curtain thing you insist on having above the bed came down loudly in the middle of last night, and this green beret may have emitted a startlingly girly scream.  Mistaking the pillows on your side of the bed for you, I grabbed them and then hurled them at the would-be attacker. Not my finest hour but at least you know where you stand. Which clearly is going to have to be in front of me if we ever get burgled… X
PS. Drinking on your own is surprisingly enjoyable.

PPS Wanting to extend your stay out there yet?
Mon 9pm
Day 4 See photo for evidence of today’s prescribed fun. Arch’s first session on a pukka BMX track and both at the nearby big boy jumps.20ft gaps? No problem.And he can now chant “go big or go home” which had an interesting effect on some of the older kids but he’s fine. I explained it’s just a bit of dirt and friendly rough play.Wrapped the day up with a BBQ in the Haldon woods. Kids are sparko, so I’m off to the pub, that’s if they’ll let me back in after last night’s smal lcontretemps. Seems fine military institutions like Naked Bar aren’t welcome in gastro-pubs on the south Devon tourist trail, even if you are a local. Officer.
Tues am
Halle-bloody-lujah. Time to go to the airport to pick you up.  I had a go at brushing Lily’s hair, as you’ll see the last four days haveplayed havoc with her locks. Resorted to brute force rather than patience, but I gave her a piece of yarn to chew on as an anesthetic- so she’s fine (now), if a little thinner on top.House needs some attention. Found a good looking Polish girl online- reckon she’d do a fantastic job so I’ve dropped her a line. Therefore don’t concern yourself with any apparently out of place female phone messages/emails over the next couple of days.  Kids are sorting out a homecoming surprise for you at the airport.  If at least one of you doesn’t reduce to tears I’ll consider the whole four day epic a strategic failure! xxx