The task. Get one woman, three small boys and a baby out of the house by 8.45am.
I mean, 8.45am, that’s not even early. How hard can it be?
The front door is open, you’ve gambled on not needing the inexplicable child meltdown minutes to get a wash load on instead. All has gone relatively smoothly as having to ask, insist, demand and then scream fifteen times to get your shoes on and teeth cleaned is now normal. And then they hit you with it. The five little words guaranteed to set the transformation rolling from loving mummy into screaming banshee devil woman from hell.
“Mummy I need a poo”
“Poo. Poo. You need a POO? You’ve had over 3 hours to do a poo. Yet just as we get out of the door, you need a poo. Unbelievable.
We haven’t got time for a poo. Well you’ve left it too late, you’ll just have to hold it”
Thankfully it’s at this point your rational voice manages to cut through the tirade. A poo incident and traumatised toilet fearing child MIGHT be slightly worse. In the long run. Than being late.
You see, no matter how organised you try to be and there are some great tips on how to facilitate a smooth start to the day. Uniform ready on the radiator all warmed and inviting. Breakfast table laid up the night before. School bags and shoes by the front door, all pre bedtime tasks to make the mornings an idyllic Walton-esque scene of family joy.
But it’s the last minute, over ten minute poo that denies me my fantasy “what can we see and learn” walk to school. Instead the ten minute poo rewards me with the “COME ON, we’re late, stop dawdling, let’s GO, GO, GO” mad sprint instead.
So now you’ve had advance warning on the time snaffling poo, here are my other banshee inducing danger areas to be aware of.
1. Home Improvement Superstores in particular B&Q. I’m not sure exactly what it is about this shop that turns my admittedly exuberant, tumbling, active little boys into complete feral demons, possibly the wide isles and towering shelves but I’ve found it’s best just to walk away and pretend they aren’t yours.
2. Supermarkets, even with the helping list tactic you never know when one of them will blow so I advise ordering online.
3. Dentist waiting rooms. The presence of a water cooler and little white cups seems to send them totally wappy and bring forth an unquenchable thirst.
4. Doctors waiting rooms, I’ve tried blackmail, bribery, straight forward death threats, possible parental imprisonment, repeat after me “I will be good” mantras but to little avail. Whenever possible send your partner instead.
5. Mealtime, in restaurants or at home, I’ve found not feeding them is the best method of dealing with this banshee hot spot!
Happy screaming and content yourself with the knowledge that she who doesn’t lose it is most probably from Stepford xxx