Good morning Ladies, on behalf of Rufus Air, the crew and myself I’d like to warmly welcome you aboard this flight XAUST-10N to Motherhood.

We expect the journey to last a lifetime and will endeavour to make your time with us a smooth and pleasant one.

Please ensure all of your life luggage is stored in the overhead locker but for instant access, your excessive guilt and worry baggage should be kept by your feet at ALL times.

An emergency procedures card can be located in the seat pocket in front of you, do take time to read the information but if in any doubt remember the 3C’s: Calpol. Cold Compress. Cuddles.
Here you will also find sick bags which we advise you keep on you along with some wet wipes for the newborn to the teenage years.

Due to health and safety reasons any cases of extreme projectile vomiting must be dealt with solely by yourself. If you could also fill out the relevant paperwork, order replacement chair covers, clean, cook, wash and sort Christmas (whilst respecting the 48hr containment guide lines) that would be much under appreciated.

In the unlikely event of an emergency follow the light of your mobile phone to the exits which can be located by the sauv blanc and chocolate brownies.
Hot meals will be served throughout the journey although you will need to fetch your own lukewarm portion and eat it standing up in the aisle with one hand.
The toilets are situated towards the front and rear of the aircraft. There are no door locks and it is highly likely someone small will try and sit on your lap and subject you to public exposure, tears and tantrums whilst you attempt to discreetly wipe your bum.

Shortly after take off I will update you with further information regarding this flight and the extreme turbulence you may well experience at newborn, toddler, pre-teen and teenage heights.

Turbulence is perfectly normal, however if at any time you feel doubt, fear and or exhaustion, please refer back to your emergency exit options.

Your stretch mark privilege card allows you entry into the motherhood club lounge where you can help yourself to complimentary small talk whilst you wait for your common ground connection. This is an excellent opportunity to eat cake, mix with your fellow travellers and swop birthing stories.
You may be lucky enough to make some new friendships which will greatly enrich your mothering experience and might even save your life.
Remember husbands are nice but female friendships are essential.

For your viewing pleasure we have all the latest releases. Please take full advantage of this as severe delays are expected on your social life especially at the beginning of your journey. Also note, there is an unlimited supply of tissues in the side pocket of your chair as some of the films contain scenes of orphaned children and poorly sick little animals. Duty free will be on offer during the flight, refer to the in-flight magazine or discreetly browse online 24/7. No one will ever know. Motherhood is full of rewards, most of which you’ll have to award too yourself, so go mad on the 2 for 1’s and treat yourself for no other reason than you deserve it.

And finally, you may have heard about the exclusive “mile high club”
The latest research does indicate that there are more members of that club than the “married with kids, 2x a week” club. However, in times of need there is always fifty shades.

Thank you for travelling with Rufus Air. We hope you enjoy your journey, it goes by in the blink of an eye so do take time to stand back from the washing machine to enjoy the cuddles and total, unadulterated, all encompassing love  xxx